Guest Blogger: RDJ

holy shit. the championships are tomorrow night.

i'm REALLY hyped.

here to give the longest blog post ever about it all... is the one... the only... RDJ.

Time to get... NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-vous!

See this face? It's the face of fearlessness, right? The ultimate in calm? The very picture of poise? The paragon of placidness? The champ of chillaxation?

Well, yeah, actually, I was pretty relaxed when that snap was taken (the day of the NYC Marathon, on Bedford Ave. Easy to relax when you're not running the thing. Unlike next year, when my girlfriend and I have vowed to participate... oh Jesus, what have we done.) However, you may see me tomorrow night at the Highline Ballroom with the exact same expression on my face, and meanwhile what will be going on inside my mind-body will be anything but tranquility. It will look more like Bugs Bunny flipping out on zoomers.

When the going gets public, I get stagefright. There, I've said it.

Actually it's more like pre-stagefright. The moments before a performance are excruciating. My already miniscule bladder shrinks to the size of a cashew, which is why you'll often see me pushing through the Knitting Factory crowd to get to the basement right when the song that's on before mine starts. (Panchito, you're gonna have holler extra loud so I can hear you from the can.) Meanwhile, my throat and mouth get dry. Basically, the moisture in my body gets its priorities all twisted.

I start thinking too much. "Oh shit, I've picked the wrong song." I get light-headed. Things slow down, or speed up. The moment when I get on stage can't come quick enough, yet I want more time!

It's not just at Hip Hop Karaoke, either, or even when I'm actually the one on the stage. Last Friday I was up in East Haddam, Connecticut, where my new musical The Trouble With Doug was being workshopped at the Goodspeed Opera House at their Festival of New Artists. (No, the show's not about Scoot McGoot.) I had every confidence in the performers, and I was totally satisfied with the rehearsal process. But damn, I was a mess, there in my seat, waiting for the house lights to dim. I could barely breathe.

It's that damn anticipation of the moment, far more than the moment itself. Thinking is a bitch. I heard somewhere that we don't really think our thoughts, they think us. That's some real shit: so much of it is totally automatic. Just close your eyes for a sec and see what happens. "Blah blah blah". Did you choose to think all that stuff? Opinions, assessments, evaluations, predictions. It don't stop, y'all, and it just don't stop.

Anyway, my questions to you and you and you are: what makes you nervous, onstage or off? how do you usually cope with / deal with / conquer / hide it? For my fellow contestants, this is your chance to be vulnerable and reveal your weaknesses so I can exploit, I mean, be really sensitive to them.

Peace (of mind) out,

RDJ